Memories Consume
by Heart and Mind
Summary: Alone on July 31, in the barren room of Number 4 Private Drive, Harry Potter lay dreaming of days gone by, opportunities lost, and mistakes made. Memories wound their way into his dreams; memories of innocent days...
1. I Need You

Disclaimer- If anyone here actually believes I am writing this to try and cheat J.K.Rowling I will be forced to hit you upside the head and yell 'Imbecile!'. I do not own Harry Potter or any song of Linkin Park's including 'Breaking the Habit'.  
  
Authors Note- For a while now I have been trying to write a 6th Year story, but this little piece has been bugging me. Then I got a Linkin Park cd... This song just seemed to click with what was in my head so I wrote this in hopes that it would let me make some headway with my other story. BUT I am thinking about a second chapter; let me know what you think.  
  
To those of you who might say something, I know I cut out parts of the song! It was getting to long without being redundant in the story. But anyway...Read on and enjoy!  
  
I would greatly appreciate feedback and constructive criticism!

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MEMORIES CONSUME  
  
Alone on July 31, in the barren room of Number 4 Private Drive, Harry Potter lay dreaming of days gone by, opportunities lost, and mistakes made. Unable to stop them, the memories wound their way into his dreams; memories of innocent days, mocking him in spite; memories of normalcy, of having nothing to mark him, burdening his conscience with the inevitable; but most of all, memories of Sirius. One scene above all others haunted his nightmares...  
  
Memories consume...  
  
"SIRIUS!!" Harry bellowed until his voice was hoarse, fighting and kicking at the person holding him back from his godfather. He had to help; if he could just get to the veil, everything would be ok...  
  
"He can't come back, Harry." Remus choked, struggling to keep a firm grip on the flailing child, and making every effort to keep himself from falling to his knees in numb disbelief. "He... he can't come back because he's d-"  
  
"HE-IS-NOT-DEAD!!!"  
  
Like opening the wound...  
  
"NNOO!" Harry awoke screaming from the wrenching pain the vision seared through his soul. He sat up out of breathe, and shaking in the darkened room, soaked with sweat as the memory replayed before his eyes again and again. It was all his fault... all his fault. Guilt tormented him, making the emptiness where Sirius had been a thousand times worse. He couldn't take it...  
  
I'm picking me apart again...  
  
Harry quickly wiped away the tears burning down his face, trying in vain to stifle his wracking sobs. 'Sirius...I'm so sorry...so sorry... I miss you...It was all my fault. I was so stupid...'  
  
You all assume I'm safe here in my room. Unless I try to start again...  
  
Pain twisted furiously in his chest... "I don't deserve to live for what I did to you..." He said in a strangled whisper that fell silent in the deadened air. Sorrow and bitterness welled within him as Harry stared at the jagged scars that stood out on his arms and wrists. No one cared that he did it...or knew... No one cared, he was alone. 'I don't deserve to live...'  
  
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose...  
  
'For neither can live while the other survives.' Why did everything happen to him? He just wanted to be normal, but that would never happen. He would never be happy, for he could never live. There was no way he could live. Harry wrapped his arms around his legs, laying his head on his knees. He was nothing special, he had no power...  
  
Cause inside I realize, that I'm the one confused...  
  
He wept in frustration... How could he possibly win? He just couldn't, and that's why everyone treated him like a child. They pitied him. Only Sirius ever treated like an equal, but Harry had killed him off too. 'I'm so sorry...'  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for...  
  
Everyone around him always died, and they always would. They would be so much better off without him. He didn't even have a life to fight for. Everything was always taken away. All he had was one existence full of pain and suffering.  
  
Or why I have to scream...  
  
It wasn't fair. No one should have to go through what he did. He didn't want to feel this anymore...  
  
I don't know why I instigate, and say what I don't mean...  
  
He had been a rotten friend to Ron and Hermione, and then he nearly got them killed. He didn't deserve their friendship. They would be so much better of without him. They would just die too, because of him... No... He wouldn't let them...  
  
I don't know how I got this way...  
  
They were in danger because of his stupid hero complex. Hermione tried to warn him, but he didn't listen. He never listened. He didn't deserve her. He wouldn't hurt anyone else with his recklessness.  
  
Harry climbed out of the bed on shaky legs, and dropped to his knees, reaching for the loose board underneath. He sorted through the books and old letters until he found what he was looking for.  
  
I know it's not alright...  
  
Harry stared at the stained brown knife in his hands and froze. It was wrong. His mind was flashing warnings to him. But he told himself they didn't matter. He would protect his friends...he would see his parents and Sirius again...  
  
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight...  
  
No more trying to be the hero... He wouldn't do it anymore... No one else would get hurt. He could use the knife. Then finish it off with his wand, the thing that started it all. Avada Kedavra.  
  
Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door...  
  
Rising from the ground, Harry crossed the room and checked the door. It was still locked. Good. He turned and sat back on the bed, staring around the room. Photos and letters were scattered across the floor, with multiple people waving at him from their frames; mainly his parents and the marauders. All but one gone, separated by death and choice; because of the prophecy of his fate. Another bloody reason it was all his fault...  
  
I try to catch my breathe again...  
  
Why couldn't it all have all been different!? Why couldn't the fates just leave him alone?! Didn't anyone care what this was doing to him?! Didn't anyone care at all?! No, they just sent him back here, where he was safe! Didn't they realize what this place was doing to him?!  
  
I hurt much more, than anything before...  
  
Harry clutched the knife and wand tightly in his hands. He had to do it now, while he still had the chance. When he was gone, the prophecy would be void, and someone else better than him could have the chance to take Voldemort down. Tears ran down his face. And he would be happy... He would be with his parents, Sirius, and he could make peace with Cedric. He would be happy... truly happy...and free...  
  
I have no options left again...  
  
Harry was shaking by now, as the tip of the knife rested on his arm. He wanted so much to have relief from the pain and emptiness...Bracing himself he pressed, sliding the blade across his arm, tearing his pale skin. Red blossomed and oozed onto the bed-sheets, staining them, and he choked back a gasp of searing pain. Again and again, he cut.  
  
I'll Paint it on the walls, 'Cause I'm the one at fault...  
  
Harry stared at his arms, now covered in angry red lines. What would everyone think when they found him dead? Acting on impulse Harry turned to the wall by his bed, and used his smeared blood to write...  
  
'I'm sorry to everyone, it was my fault. I will never bring anyone else pain again. Bye.' Tears leaked from his dark and haunted eyes; eyes that used to be filled with laughter and life. He'd never see Ron or Hermione again... but they were better off without him...  
  
I'll never fight again, and this is how it ends...  
  
Too weak to stay sitting, Harry lay down, heaving a sigh. He cut feel the sharp sting from the wounds, and he could feel himself grow weaker from blood-loss. His head was spinning. Kind of ironic he thought. To die on the day he was born, the day everyone's life was doomed, and now they would be free of him. He would burden them no longer.  
  
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit...  
  
Harry grew tired, and still weaker. He knew he had to do it now, before he was too far gone to say the spell. He could feel his wand resting in his hand, a comforting presence, always there when he needed it, and he needed it now.  
  
Suddenly panic and more sorrow flooded through him, he was going to kill himself. What cruel fate had brought the happy boy riding a broom to end it? He was really going to do it, finish it all...it scared him. But he was a Gryffindor, he had courage, he could do it. He had to do it... He needed so badly to see his parents again... and Sirius.  
  
I'm brreeaaakkking the habit, tonight...  
  
"I need you Sirius..." He whispered as he opened his eyes and raised his wand to his chest... A sudden calm claimed him; where he was going, he would be safe from pain and hate. Death was the next great adventure.  
  
"Avada-" Images of his life flashed by... Meeting Hagrid, the train to Hogwarts, Ron's red hair, Hermione's smile, riding a broom for the first time, Ginny at the Burrow, the twins giving of the map, Meeting Remus, Dumbledore's start of term speeches, finding Sirius... He needed to see him again...  
  
"-Kedavra." Green light consumed Harry, and he knew no more of this world. Far away an evil man laughed in triumph, as Harry lay lifeless and unmoving, with a look of relief on his face, all signs of grief and pain erased.  
  
So what did you guys think? I really can't imagine what it would be like to loose someone so close to you... This is my worst case scenario of what Harry would do. Though somehow I doubt J.K. would write it. Please REVIEW and say SOMETHING about this story!

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I have recently posted some original works, not as dark as this. If you would like to read them see my bio. I think the stories there are much better written then this, so read and review if you would like! 


	2. No Longer Children

Author's Note: Thank you for reviewing! I am always trying to improve, and your feedback helps! About this chapter being out so long after the first... well I had honestly decided to keep it one-shot, but as luck would have it, I was attacked by a muse at school...

Disclaimer: _Nods solemnly to lawyer..._ That's right sir. I lost the case. Harry Potter still belongs to J.K.Rowling despite the obvious abuse her characters have suffered. Not that I would do much better. _coughcough_

MEMORIES CONSUME

"Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. "You'll never believe the reference to aciesdators I found in this book! It's actually-" She looked up from her reading, and realized she had been speaking to no one. Ron's chair beneath the Black family tree was empty, and 'The Cannon's Keepers' was lying face down on a black, twisted table engraved with coiled snakes.

"Ron?" Hermione called, and received no answer. With a tired sigh she set down her book, 'The Diary of Castus Black: An Unspeakable's Life', and left to search for her friend. Lately, she found he had a shorter attention span than normal, though he couldn't be blamed for it...

Walking into the darkened corridor Hermione heard a clock chime downstairs. The large house could carry sound from one end to the other if it was quiet enough.

Finally reaching the boys' room, Hermione knocked on the solid oak door.

"Ron?" Hermione asked loudly.

"Ssshh!" Some one hissed around the corner to her left.

It was then Hermione realized she could hear the sound of raised voices coming from the kitchen below. Arguments happened so often in Grimmauld Place she had learned to tune them out.

With a quick stride she turned the corner, and collided into a freckled face with flaming red hair. Ron landed on the floor with a muffled 'Umphf!'

"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione said sternly, rubbing at the spot on her head that had hit Ron's. She could feel a headache coming on. "_Why_ are you listening to one of your parent's arguments?!" The sound of Mrs. Weasley's voice reverberating through the hall made it clear the woman was involved.

Glaring, Ron got up from the floor. "I'm no-"

"Honestly, what could they be saying that would be of interest to you?"

"They're talk-"

Hermione's lips thinned, and she assumed her McGonagall stance. "If you don't get away from this banister right now I'll-"

Ron's hand covered her mouth, and she never got to finish her threat.

"Quiet or they'll hear you!" Ron was silent a moment to make sure the voices in the kitchen hadn't heard, but a booming 'How DARE you?!' assured the eavesdroppers they were safe.

"Now will you be quiet?" He asked pleadingly.

Her eyes narrowed.

"I- I'll take that as a yes." Said Ron and he hesitantly removed his hand from her mouth. When Hermione continued glaring and jerked her bushy head in the direction of his other hand Ron realized he had grabbed her arm.

Blushing he let go and murmured a soft "Sorry..."

The awkward moment broke when Mrs. Weasley yelled. 'Do NOT think this is MY FAULT!'

"No bother." Hermione whispered, pushing her bushy hair out of her face. "Now, what's going on with your parents? WHY are you sp-?"

Ron quickly interrupted. "Mum's yelling at Lupin not my dad." He turned to look through the bars of the banister, and the next moment Hermione recognized Lupin's voice. Her eyes widened in surprise, never before had she heard him yell; never at students, colleagues or even Pettigrew. He was the type of person that always kept a calm appearance.

"We've got to do SOMETHING dammit!" Ron and Hermione sat frozen at the banister along the stairs.

"How long have you been here?" Hermione whispered.

"'Bout five minutes... They're talking about Harry"

Her heart skipped a beat. "What are they-?"

"Lupin wants to see him but he can't. Quiet, they're still going!"

The duo settled back and let the angry voices of Mrs. Weasley and their previous Professor pound their eardrums.

"You KNOW Albus's orders Remus! Just accept it! I don't like it anymore then you do! He'll BE-!"

Hermione frowned. "What orders are they-?"

"Shh! Just listen!"

"HE WILL NOT BE FINE MOLLY!" They heard a bang as if Remus had hit the table in frustration.

"WE WANRNED THE DURSLEYS DIDN'T WE?!" Mrs. Weasley exploded.

"It's NOT the DURSLEY'S I'm worried about Molly! Did you _see_ his FACE at the train station?!"

"YES, and Ronald said he had started to cope! HE WILL BE-"

"HE IS **NOT** FINE MOLLY! HE'S JUST LOST THE **ONLY** FAMILY HE HAD!" Remus shouted.

"WE ARE HIS FAMILY REMUS!" Mrs. Weasley yelled indignantly.

"IT WAS HIS GODFATHER FOR GOODNESS SAKE! HIS PARENT'S BEST FRIEND!"

"WELL HE WASN'T A VERY GOOD FATHER NOW WAS HE?!"

Hermione gasped and threw her hands to her mouth at Mrs. Weasley's accusation. Ron leaned hugged his friend's shoulder with one arm, his face drawn and pale.

Mrs. Weasley continued her tirade. "WHO WAS THERE AFTER HIS FIRST YEAR?! **US**! OR HIS SECOND AFTER THE-"

"HOW _DARE_ YOU SAY THAT ABOUT SIRIUS?!" Remus bellowed. "HE WAS THE BEST FATHER HE COULD BE AFTER THAT HELL YOU PEOPLE PUT HIM THROUGH!"

"HOW can you imply that-?"

"YOU DIDN'T FIGHT IT DID YOU?! DID YOU?!"

Mrs. Weasley's answer was inaudible but it was obvious what the answer must have been.

"THEN YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT! AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! HARRY IS NOT TAKING IT W-!"

"He IS FINE!"

"MERLIN'S BALLS MOLLY! DID YOU EVEN HEAR TONK'S REPORT?!"

Ron and Hermione leaned forward expectantly, anxious for news about their best friend, and were surprised at Mrs. Weasley's answer.

In a shaky voice that implied she was close to tears Mrs. Weasley answered. "Yes Remus."

"THEN WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPEAT IT SO IT CAN MAKE ITSELF CLEAR TO YOU?! TONKS SLIPPED UP AND HARRY KNEW SHE WAS THEIR! HE WAS BEGGING HER FOR NEWS! AND SHE COULDN'T TALK TO HIM! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THEN MOLLY?!"

In a tear filled voice she answered. "Yes."

"HE STARTED SCREAMING AND YELLING FOR SOMEONE, **ANYONE**, TO TALK TO! HE WAS BEGGING HER TO SHOW HERSELF SO HE COULD AT LEAST SEE A FRIENDLY FACE! YET SHE COULD'NT GO TO HIM! AND I BET YOU KNOW THE NEXT PART!"

A small "Yes." was followed by a sob.

"AFTER HE FINISHED HIS SHOUTING HE CRIED UNTIL HE WAS TO EXUASTED TO STAY AWAKE! DO YOU CALL THAT **FINE** MOLLY?!"

At this point Hermione let out a horrified sob, and latched on to Ron, who was too worried about his best friend to be embarrassed about hugging her.

"I _know_ Remus." Mrs. Weasley said sounding as bad as the two friends looked. "But Albus said under no circumstances are we to approach him."

"Yes, and that's why Tonks is in trouble for CARRYING THE BOY HOME FROM THAT BLOODY ALLEY! Was she just supposed to leave him there to be found by some _muggle **gang**_?!" Remus's voice cracked at the last word.

"I know Remus, but we just can't..." Mrs. Weasley answered in a tired voice.

"I don't know what to do Molly!" All the anger that had been in Lupin's voice was replaced with desperation. "I think he'll do something rash. And if he feels half as bad as I do..." Lupin heaved a small sob.

"Oh, poor dear." Mrs. Weasley said soothingly at the man she had just been shouting at moments before. "You look horrible. You should go get some rest."

"I can't Molly." Lupin croaked. "Haven't been able to sleep since... since..." Ron and Hermione could hear the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. "He's gone..."

That was all it took to rouse Mrs. Weasley into a full motherly mode.

"Ssh, it's ok Remus, just let it out. You haven't let yourself grieve yet have you? Shh it's ok. I understand. I'm here."

Remus's cries were so forlorn and devoid of hope it sent shivers down the children's spines; though at this point it would be hard to call the two friends sitting at the banister children. They had seen more than most people their age, as well as Harry. All they were thankful for was they hadn't yet lost anyone that close, to the war.

Later.

Number 12 Grimmauld place was still and silent, save for the clock on the wall steadily ticking in the kitchen, and the irregular breathing coming from the stooped figure nursing a drink at the table. Lost in his grief, the man gave no notice to his surroundings, including the person stumbling though the doorway to his left.

"Professor?"

Remus jumped in surprise, knocking over the mug on the table with a loud clatter, and staining the cloth. Cursing his clumsiness, he quickly muttered a quick '_Scourgify_', and turned toward the voice, trying to see who it was through the dark.

"Ron?" said Remus hoarsely, his throat aching from his recent bout of depression and fire whiskey. He glanced at the clock. "What are you doing up at five in the morning?" He asked, quickly drying his eyes with the sleeve of his patched and frayed robes.

"I- I had a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep, so I was getting a drink." Ron answered, walking to the table. "Bugger!" He exclaimed as the stench of alcohol reached his nose. "_Lumos Kitchen!_"

With the faint sound of a breeze, the lights flashed and shone brightly around the room, illuminating the haggard form of Remus Lupin sitting at the table. His robes hung loosely from his shoulders as he stared at Ron. His eyes were red and swollen.

"Er...Professor?" Ron asked hesitantly. "Have you been drinking?"

Remus gave a heavy sigh.

"I'm not your professor anymore Ron, call me Remus... Come, sit down." He said, gesturing to the chair across from him. When Ron sat Remus gazed at him for a moment before speaking softly.

"How are those scars healing? Your last St. Mungo's session was yesterday correct?"

Ron nodded mutely picking at the edge of the tattered table cloth.

"I presume the imprinting has stopped then?" Remus asked still staring over the top of his empty mug.

Ron continued to pull out the strings of fabric as he answered. "Yeah, the healers said they'd removed the last of the memories the aciesdators gave me, but I'd still have the knowledge and impressions."

"Hmm..." said Remus, looking away with a sad look on his face.

"Pro- Remus, you ok?" Ron asked looking up, concern reflected in his eyes.

"I've seen better days Ron. Things have been difficult, for us all." Remus tried to give what he hoped was a reassuring smile, but suspected he failed miserably.

"Sirius?" Ron whispered questioningly.

Remus closed his eyes and his face tightened at the onslaught of feelings his friend's old name invoked; loneliness, emptiness, pain... a pain in his chest so acute it seemed physical. Believing Padfoot to be a traitor the first time and been devastating. But losing him a second time, just after finding hope of a new start, was a blow to his heart he'd never recover from. He was right back down to being the last true marauder, when all his life he, a werewolf, had never imagined out living his friends.

"Tell me Ron," Remus said with a voice full of emotion. "How would you feel if Harry betrayed you?"

Ron's eyes widened as big as galleons, his face becoming angry.

"Harry would NEVER betray us! How can you-"

"I know Ron." Remus interrupted calmly. "Just tell me how you would feel."

Ron's ears reddened as he answered. "I- I wouldn't believe it..." He looked down at his hands. "I wouldn't know what to do."

"At first, yes... Eventually you would believe it just like everyone else, and then you would be angry... angrier than you would have thought possible. You would feel used, and stupid to have ever put your trust in him."

Ron looked up, frowning at Remus in confusion. "Sorry Sir, but I don't see the point of this conversation."

"Just listen Ron, I'm getting there." Remus said as he leaned back in the creaking chair with his arms crossed, and a haunted look on his face.

"Now imagine you realized that you made a huge mistake. You sentenced your best friend... one of the only ones who accepted you for who you really are, to twelve years of hell." The werewolf spat bitterly as comprehension dawned in Ron's face. Remus continued, his voice becoming strained.

"You ruined his life, but he forgave you, and you feel like you gained something back that had been torn from your soul." Remus's eyes were glassy and his voice cracked. "Then suddenly it's gone again... ripped away, and there's that void you don't know if you can handle again..."

He had to stop, taking deep breathes to try and control himself.

"Only it's worse, much worse than the first time; because the first time it was channeled into anger..." His voice shook and threatened to fail with every syllable.

"And now so many different scenarios run through your head, how it could have been different... How you could have stopped him..." Remus was rubbing at his forehead furiously, suppressing a sob. Ron just sat staring, mouth open, not knowing what to for the man in obvious misery, until Remus's strangled whisper startled him into speaking.

"It's all my fault..." Tears were falling freely from his face as he covered it with his hand.

"No it's not!" Ron said in the man's defense. "I'm sure Harry is thinking the same thing right now! It's more his than yours anyway!" Pregnant silence as sharp as a knife followed Ron's outburst. All color drained from his face as they sat unmoving, horrified by what he had said.

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Good-Bad? Review??? 


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